She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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