I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
