so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
