I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So vagazzling was a success
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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