remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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