2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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