im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
