Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
farters have to be the big spoon...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
