i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mom said you looked used
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
