we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
