So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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