mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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