So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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