Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
