I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
