i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
