she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
