thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize