omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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