Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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