He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
