you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
