im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
they need to just BURY HIM!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
