Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
