i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
