Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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