Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
