What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
