I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
