he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
