literally had 100 drinks last night.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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