What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
worst night to have a conscience
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
