the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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