I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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