My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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