Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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