can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
