Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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