Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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