It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
