Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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