you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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