you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
