You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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