Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
