wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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