I love black thongs
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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