ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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