I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
