im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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