I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
