This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
