she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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