he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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