goodnight i made you a song goodbye
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
