The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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