Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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