Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
