maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
not ubering you a puppy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
