textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
