I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
